Blog of a Bully Read online

  Pain was definitely the outcome of my afternoon, and I still can’t ride that ridiculous contraption. I will have to find another way to be a bully. Any thoughts or suggestions? I spent the rest of the day watching Rocky IV.

  Even the smallest step toward your goal is progress.

  Those cookies can keep their wisdom. It’s not helping here.

  Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

  6:28 p.m.

  Stories for Everyone

  As usual, your thoughts have not been helpful. One person flat out said, “DON’T DO IT!” I agree with you, but remember it is not me; it is Hercules and Donald who are keeping me in the bully position.

  Speaking of those two, they are living it up. At school today they had so many followers listening to their stories. I wish I could keep track of all of the stories. Most of them, if not all, are ridiculously impossible.

  One story was about how I robbed a bank while water skiing barefoot in Venice, Italy. I have never been out of this country, and I could never water ski, especially barefoot.

  Another one I think is great is that in my spare time I like to sit on a hill and shoot candy out of babies’ hands with my Sniper-Slingshot 3000. Well, I don’t have a slingshot, and how many hills are there in Texas?

  My favorite is that when I was eight years old, I escaped from prison by digging my way out with my baby teeth. The Tooth Fairy has been upset with me ever since.

  What can I say? My new buddies really know how to make up a good story and sell it to the highest bidder.

  You will have a long, adventurous life.

  At least that is what everyone at school thinks.

  Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

  8:52 p.m.

  Tattoo

  Nothing really new at school; just the usual outrageous stories that are being spread by Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. But I have wondered how effective these stories really are. I almost feel like my popularity has died a little. Not as many girls are hanging out with Donald and Hercules, and students have stopped trying to avoid me in the halls. Are my stories dying down because they are all talk but no show? Maybe I should do something to spice things up.

  Well, as for your comments, or should I say comment … yes, I only got one. It was a silly one too. All it said was to get a tattoo.

  Let me tell you my thoughts on tattoos. Some tattoos are very pretty. Others that I have seen (after all, I lived in California, so I have seen my fair share of them), they’re horrible. I can’t help but wonder what these individuals were thinking when they told a creepy-looking guy holding a needle gun, to ink some horrible looking design all over their body so the whole world can see their bad choices. I can only assume they weren’t thinking properly.

  Let me explain something to those who are debating on whether to get a tattoo. TATTOOS ARE PERMANENT! I think that’s enough to indicate I don’t want one. I’ve had a number of fake tattoos that I thought were funny and cool, but after a week or so, I was happy to wash them off.

  If the permanent thing is not enough to keep you far away from the tattoo shop and you just have to get your girlfriend’s name written permanently on your arm, then picture this: Pretend you are 98 years old, living in a nursing home. The nurse is giving you a sponge bath and notices that you have a tattoo. Well guess what? You are now old, so the nurse has to stretch and move your saggy skin to even come close to seeing what it used to look like. In other words, as you get older, so does the tattoo.

  So to the one comment I got, I am not getting a tattoo to prove that I am a bully because they are silly. I will however put on a fake one.

  It’s never too late to learn.

  You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, especially if that dog is a tattoo on a now really old person.

  Monday, September 27th, 2010

  6:42 p.m.

  Spicy Monday

  Yes, I spiced things up all right. I got to class and with a straw I saved from a nasty burger joint, I made spit wads and shot them at the students. For the most part, the students were pretty good at fearing me and keeping their mouths shut; it was Angela who finally told Mrs. Logan what I was doing. I didn’t even shoot her. Mrs. Logan walked right up to my desk, and as I shrank in my seat she began to ask in a lecturing voice, “Mr. Bradley, I know you’re not the one shooting spit wads at these students who are minding their own business trying to learn, right?”

  “No, Ma’am,” I replied, sounding more like a Texan. “Good. Because if I ever caught you or anyone else blowing spit wads at these students, well I would have to chop their head off.”

  Feeling low, along with being publicly humiliated, I would have to say I wasn’t in my right mind. For when she turned to walk away, yes, you guessed it, I nailed her in the butt with an extra slimy spit wad. I wanted it to stick.

  Detention, along with in-school suspension, Saturday school again, and a conference between the principal and my parents.

  When I got home, I was sent straight to my room without my after-school snack. Or dinner. Or dessert. I wasn’t surprised, but then Mom said something that did surprise me. She said, “Don’t think this gets you out of participating during Jessica’s birthday party this weekend. Now you will have to make the party extra special for the 15 little girls who will be attending. So while you are up there for the rest of the night, you should think about what you are going to do.”

  I had completely forgotten about her birthday. I really don’t feel like celebrating this year, so we should skip it. Well, now what am I going to do?

  Wherever you go, go with all your heart.

  Looks like I’m going back to Saturday school.

  October

  Sunday, October 3rd, 2010

  2:15 p.m.

  What Are You Looking At?

  Your suggestions have been fun to read this weekend. It’s nice to see that I haven’t lost all my readers. But your suggestions about what to do for my stupid sister’s party really had me rolling on my bedroom floor laughing. In text language, it would be “rombrfl.” One person said to juggle flaming potatoes. Ok, I understand the juggling, and possibly the fire because that would be cool, but do I have to use potatoes?

  Another suggestion was to seize an opportunity when adults aren’t in the room to explain to the little girls that birthdays are not good and should not be celebrated, because birthdays just mean that they’re another year closer to dying! The reader promised from personal experience that kids will cry. Great idea, but that will only get me more in trouble. (I may still do it)

  Pin the tail on the dork is my favorite and wins the comment-of-the-week award. I really don’t have an award like that, but I think I will now start one. The pin-the-tail-on-the dork commenter is the first winner. Everyone should applaud or at least give a golf clap now.

  Impossible as it sounds, what I really did for the party was even better than the suggestions listed above. Thanks to my daydreaming during Saturday school, I remembered I knew a bit of … are you ready? Wait for it … I know a little ballet. My mom really wanted a girl instead of me, so she forced me to take ballet classes, and I am not ashamed to admit I loved it (ok, maybe a little ashamed). Mom took me out of ballet classes after she had Jessica, but surprisingly she never had Jessica take classes.

  So for the party’s entertainment, I made a makeshift ballet tutu and danced my head off for those little girls. They loved the show so much that they invited me to their “Only Princesses Allowed” tea party.

  I can’t wait for all of this bully nonsense to be over. I really had fun this weekend helping my sister, and I am sick of getting in trouble. I need to turn a new leaf and be a better person.

  Your emotional nature is strong and sensitive.

  Hey—just because I know a little ballet and want to be a good guy at school doesn’t mean I am sensitive. These cookies better watch what they say to me.

  Thursday, October 14th, 2010

  5:15 p.m.

  Who Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar?
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br />   I preformed ballet for that little brat of a sister, and what does she do? Stabs me in the back when I’m not looking. I came home from school, and Mom was immediately asking why I didn’t tell her earlier that I broke her favorite cookie jar. I had no idea what she was talking about, but Mom didn’t believe me. She told me that Jessica went to get a cookie out of the jar and that’s when it broke. I was confused because if it broke when Jessica was getting a cookie, doesn’t that mean she broke it?

  Apparently, as the story goes, Jessica claimed that I broke it one day and glued it back together so Mom wouldn’t find out. What a little liar. I didn’t get into too much trouble because Dad stood up for me. So I was only sent to my room. Thank goodness my parents don’t realize that since I am a teenager, being sent to my room isn’t a punishment—it’s a blessing. So, thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

  On another note, Halloween is just around the corner and I don’t have anything to wear. Any ideas would be good, but here are the rules. I don’t cross-dress, I don’t do gross, I don’t do vulgar, and I don’t do perverted things. So tell me what you got.

  Let nothing distract you from your goals.

  But Halloween is such a sweet distraction.

  Monday, October 18th, 2010

  7:56 p.m.

  Great Ideas

  Wow, I have never received so many comments on a post in all my blogging life. I am surprised how many different readers I have. You made my cup of joy overflow. I am still not sensitive though, so don’t keep thinking that. The fortune came from a cookie. It couldn’t possibly be right. Cookie, you don’t know me.

  So from your many suggestions, I had to pick my top-five favorites. Coming in at fifth place is a lawn gnome. Lawn gnomes just sit there on your grass minding their own business when someone comes along and makes a Halloween costume out of them. Poor things; they never see it coming.

  Coming in fourth place is a totem pole. I don’t know why I like the statue ideas, but there is something about a moving statue begging for candy that brings a smile to my face.

  Third place goes to the person who suggested I be a secret agent mascot. I had to laugh because there is nothing secret about mascots. Their only job is to catch the public’s attention.

  As for second place (which is not a good place to be because that means not only did you not win, but you are the first loser—food for thought …), the winner is the person who suggested I be a redneck hillbilly sumo wrestler. Two worlds that should never meet get smashed together for the pursuit of candy.

  Finally, what we have all been waiting for … the winner of the week is the person who suggested I dress up as … SUCKY TUNA!!! I couldn’t get my mind off the sucky tuna. Is it a rotten can of tuna? Is it a fish sucking things through a straw? Or is it an Asian drink I am not familiar with? Who knows? That is the beauty of sucky tuna. It can be what you interpret it to be. Just like the joke about why the chicken crossed the road; the possible answers are endless. Congratulations to our winner. To everyone else, better luck next time and thanks for commenting—it has been a blast.

  Now for the bad news: I loved your suggestions, but I couldn’t pick one to dress up as. So I think I will combine some of the not-so-unique ones to make something unique. I was thinking of a ghost pirate. I am still not too sure, so I will think things over and get back to you.

  A smile will gain you ten more years of life.

  Fine, have it your way. I will be a smiling ghost pirate.

  Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

  8:30 p.m.

  Excited

  It has been a little while since the last time I wrote. Sorry, I’m not perfect. Halloween is coming! Can you feel it? It is my favorite holiday. I say that, but when Christmas comes around, that becomes my favorite holiday. Maybe I like all holidays? Or at least just the ones that I benefit from. Valentine’s Day is not a favorite of mine. It is downright depressing. Once you get into middle school, the teachers stop forcing you to hand out cute little cards that say embarrassing things to every student in the class. That’s when you see how many people actually like you or have a crush on you. As for me, it is just another day to sit there and watch the rest of the world have fun while I do nothing. You’ll see. So I don’t like all holidays.

  But as for Halloween, it will be great. My smiling ghost pirate costume looks good. Everything is in place: hat, beard, eye patch, lots of makeup, and scars. I’m stoked, but there’s one huge problem. I have a white, Texas-sized sheet to make me look ghostly, and it is too long. I’m going to trip on it all night. Sad to say, my mom doesn’t sew. Her mom did, but she does not. So I am stuck looking like I am walking in a dress the whole night. Hey, you do what you gotta do for free candy. That’s my philosophy.

  Now about being a bully, I must say it is starting to pay off, if you can believe that. I was so busy coming up with things for my costume that I forgot about a paper that was due in English. Looking around my class, I saw a student who nearly cried the last time I talked to him. I named him Timid Tim. So I went up to him and told him my dilemma, and Timid Tim was happy to type me up a paper that night. I really thought I would have to struggle a little more to get this kid to write it, but he was so happy and willing to do that for me. I may just do this more often when I am in a pinch.

  Continually give, continually gain.

  Or in my case, continually ask for handouts, continually gain. This getting something for nothing could be a good gig.

  Sunday, October 31st, 2010

  11:07 p.m.

  Halloween

  This was the best Halloween ever! I mean, it sucked, but then it turned out to be amazing. Let me explain. Friday at school I found out through the grapevine why Buzz had been lying low: Buzz and his goons were planning on jumping me and stealing my candy. Not cool! I didn’t know what to do, so I asked Donald and Hercules if they wanted to go trick-or-treating with me. They wanted to know why. I told them and they wanted nothing to do with it.

  I eventually convinced them to go with me, assuring them that Buzz wouldn’t try anything if there were three of us. So we went trick-or-treating, and I learned the adults around here really need to lighten up and have fun. It seemed like every house we went to, we were told that we were too old to go trick-or-treating. Hercules and Donald were not dressed up, so I assume they were told the same thing last year. I bet if I was sucky tuna they would give me candy. Whatever, I’m over it.

  After a while of knocking on doors with no luck, we saw the Three Stooges. Again, if you have never heard of The Three Stooges, ask your parents. They would know. To my surprise, the Three Stooges were Buzz, Tom, and Doyle. Right away, we hid to the side of a house. I was shocked they had come up with amazing costumes. As for Hercules, he was surprised how full their candy bags were. He had a good point. How did they get so much candy if we didn’t have any? Should I lose the smile?

  That’s when we heard exactly how they were getting candy. Instead of the normal “trick-or-treat” with the accompanied “please” and “thank you,” Buzz and his Stooges would go to a door and when the door was opened, they would yell “trick,” grab a handful of candy, and run off. That wasn’t very ladylike of them, so we had to do something.

  Still hiding to the side of a house, I came up with a great plan and within seconds I convinced Donald and Hercules to go along with it. I got this idea from your comments on what to be for Halloween. With my white sheet being so long, we made a human totem pole. This wasn’t the easiest task to pull off without a ladder, but we did use the fence. I wasn’t sure if we had enough time. We placed Hercules on the bottom, hoping he would live up to his name. Donald was the monkey in the middle, with me on top. I could hear the Three Stooges getting closer, at every house yelling “trick” and robbing the people of candy. Would we be caught and jumped even though we had no candy?

  We got our balance as the human totem pole, and I cleared my throat in preparation to project the deepest voice I could. We wobbled out just in time to block them. With the dee
pest voice I could muster, I shouted, “Hey kids, give me your candy!” Now that the event is all said and done, I have come up with a million better things I should have said, but at the time that was all that came to mind. It was effective. They screamed like girls, dropped their candy, and ran.

  When they were out of sight, we toppled over like a tower of blocks. Donald immediately started making comments like, “That was the only thing you thought of to say?” Hercules began making fun of how my voice sounded. In his opinion, it was not very deep. I told him that I was still a growing kid and to shut up and enjoy the candy.

  After splitting our bounty and celebrating our amazing feat of courage, I said good night and headed home, excited to tell you the news. That’s when I saw Angela on the other side of the street with a bag full of candy. She was dressed in an angel costume. What is with this girl and celestial beings? I guess if you have the name Angela, you have to dress up as an angel. That’s logical, and no one was complaining about her being too old. Oh well, I’d give her candy if she came to my door. So, what can I say? Today has been amazing.

  I really don’t want this day to end, but there is school tomorrow. There should be a law granting kids at least the day after Halloween off to enjoy their candy. But since we have to go back to school, we smuggle it in and eat it during class. You see, the teachers think we are tying our shoes for the millionth time, but really we are stuffing our mouths with more candy. Don’t ask where or what we use to smuggle in the candy, just know we have it and are going to eat it.

  Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.

  Just like the Tootsie Roll shoved between my toes, you don’t see it and that’s the beauty of it.

  November

  Thursday, November 4th, 2010

  6:49 p.m.

  There’s a Rat Amongst Us

  Well, I know now why bullies get bad grades. They don’t have the time to do these silly projects and papers, so when they force someone else to do these assignments for them, they still get bad grades on them. In short, I got an F on that paper I asked Timid Tim to write for me. What a stinker. I guess I learned my lesson.